I want to be transparent about what I’m writing.  I don’t know what I’m writing.  I might contradict myself. I might exaggerate.  I will most definitely be adding drama, as a dramatic person.  Some days my writing will feel distant, others it might feel stressed.  But that’s the point.  I am hoping that I can achieve a level of brain silence.

I am not a writer; I don’t have good grammar or punctuation.  I am hoping all this new AI technology, Copilot, plugins, and all will help me with that.  Although, I will not be using Track Changes even if there is a Simple Markup view.  Yes, I am starting in Word doing a copy paste into whatever newsletter/blog website platform I decide to use (in the future). Baby steps they say.

I want to write and see what clicks.  I am hoping that I feel less overwhelmed.  I am hoping to create good habits. I want to document my journey, not because I feel important or entitled.  Because weirdly enough, I feel that writing things down and publishing them will create a sense of accountability, of forgetting and of learning. I am hoping for a lot of things and nothing.

Again, I don’t expect anyone to read this.  Expect doesn’t seem to be correct word but that’s what I got right now.  A part of me feels that no one should read this.  A part of me wants this to reach those who feel the same way or have the same interests.  Maybe I can make some online friends… that topic is for another day.

To keep things in perspective, my life is not special, it’s very normal and boring.  I love the fact that my life is boring.  But here’s the thing, I put so much pressure on myself that I forget to enjoy how normal and boring my life is.  There are no excuses, I am the one placing pressure on myself; no one else but me.  I created expectations for myself, I rate myself and I criticize myself.  I’m not easy on myself.  It’s worse than review period at work, it’s all the time.  I have 1:1s with myself every day.  Can you imagine having 1:1s with your boss every day?  It’s exhausting.  

The question always comes back to why.  Why can’t I just enjoy and be content? Why do I have to exhaust myself to be the best version on me every day? I want some time off.  I want to Appear Offline (thank Teams for that one).

At this point, all I can tell myself is, be patient.  I know I can get to that level. I just don’t know how.  So, today during my own 1:1 I said “As long as I stay true to myself everything will be OK.”